After former NFL wide receiver Titus Young was arrested for the third time in two days, on May 12th 2013, local law enforcement in Orange County were put on high alert. Following a brief period of time in which he wasn’t arrested, they held a news conference to try to quell any public panic.
“We are pleased to announce that, as a department, we have not arrested Titus Young in nearly 170 hours,” the Sheriff’s office announced in a press conference on Tuesday afternoon in a statement which was met with wild applause by Titus Young’s mother and his agent who had, presumably, snuck into the back of the conference.
“We called you all here today, because we truly believe that this period of un-arrest merits a congratulatory period at our offices. Each of our officers who haven’t had to arrest Titus Young have been formally reprimanded for their oversight in this matter and we know that, while this is truly a momentous moment for our department, he’s probably out somewhere doing something illegal. As such, we are going to be waiting an additional 48-72 hours before disbanding our newly formed ‘Titus Task Force’ and before no longer requiring our officers to run two warmup laps and perform group stretches on the departmental track before starting their shifts.”
“Frankly,” the Sheriff’s office continued, “we thought Titus might be going for the record.”
“The Record” that they were referring to was once held by local miscreant, and noted convict, Tim ‘Skeezy’ Skagnetti, who was once arrested four times in two days.
While the Sheriff”s office was initially unclear on the charges that might be awaiting Young, they shed some light on that as well, during their brief time in front of the media.
“What we’re looking at charging Mr. Young with, now, would be 10-12 years for aggravated idiocy; a charge that was created by our legal team on the spot, since there was literally no precedent for such moronic behavior.”
When pressed for further details about what it may have looked like when Young attempted to steal his car back from the police impound lot the spokesperson merely stood off to one side and rolled this mysterious footage.
Chris Hatch (@downthehatch402) covers humor/satire and more for Gridiron Grit. Be sure to ‘like’ Gridiron Grit on Facebook to keep up with the latest coverage on college football, the NFL, humor/satire and more!